nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
