my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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