At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
