6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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