Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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