too bad you live with your parents still
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
