Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
