found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
