Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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