She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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