M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
