all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
