it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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