I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
