last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
