Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
