I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
