My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
