after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
