yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
