OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
