Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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