Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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