I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
