shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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