we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
