I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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