Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
