My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
