I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
you never un-have a 4some
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
