I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
