hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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