I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
