I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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