This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
