he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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