Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
