woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize