I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
