The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
