Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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