i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
