He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
