I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
