I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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