the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
