And the cops told us we were all naked.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize