im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
