One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize