I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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