I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
His hands were made for my vagina.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
