Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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