And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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