your parents love me but you hate me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
