Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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