mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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