i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
