I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I need water and some morals
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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