At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
