Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
