I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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